Humor Quotes

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Steven Wright

Down the road, I'll probably have a kid or two or three. And there will probably be political events or spiritual things to comment on, and humor.

Alanis Morissette

There are hardly any excesses of the most crazed psychopath that cannot easily be duplicated by a normal kindly family man who just comes in to work every day and has a job to do.

Terry Pratchett

Mrs. Cole was a good democrat. She hated all kids equally.

Stephen King

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

Steven Wright

I am not forgotten, you know, no, I still receive a very great deal of fan mail.. . . Gladys Gudgeon writes . . . . I just wish I knew . . . .He paused, looking faintly puzzled, then beamed again and returned to his signing with renewed vigor. I suspect it is simply my good looks. . . .

J.K. Rowling

my good qualities are under your protection, and you are to exaggerate them as much as possible; and, in return, it belongs to me to find occasion for teasing and quarreling with you as often as may be...

Jane Austen

Charlotte, darling, Henry said to his wife, who was staring at im in gape-mouthed horror. Jassamine, beside her, was wided eyed. Sorry im late. You know, i think i might nearly have the sensor working- Will interrupted. Henry, he said, your on fire. You do know that, don't you? Oh, yes, Henry said eagerly. The flames were now nearly to his shoulder. I've been working like a man possessed all day. Charlotte, did you hear what i said about the sensor? Charlotte dropped her hand from her mouth. Henry! She shrieked. Your arm! Henry glanced down at his arm, and his mouth dropped open.Bloody hell!

Cassandra Clare

My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.

Rodney Dangerfield

Bless the bright eyes of your sex! They never see, whether for good or bad, more than one side of any question; and that is always, the one which first presents itself to them.

Charles Dickens

Chairmen Meow deserves me every effort.

Cassandra Clare

Wit and Humor -- if any difference, it is in duration -- lightning and electric light. Same material, apparently; but one is vivid, and can do damage -- the other fools along and enjoys elaboration.

Mark Twain

Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation.

Mark Twain

Your wife is a big hippo! My face is melting! My face is meltinnnnggg!

Terry Pratchett

adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

Ambrose Bierce

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Ambrose Bierce

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

Steven Wright

It was here that the thaum, hitherto believed to be the smallest possible particle of magic, was succesfully demonstrated to be made up of /resons/ (Lit.: 'Thing-ies') or reality fragments. Currently research indicates that each reson is itself made up of a combination of at least five 'flavours', known as 'up', 'down', 'sideways', 'sex appeal' and 'peppermint'.

Terry Pratchett

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Edward de Bono

It is hard to forget that which it is worse than useless to remember.

Henry David Thoreau