Humor Quotes

True wit is nature to advantage dressed, what oft was thought, but never so well expressed.

Alexander Pope

So that's little Scorpious. Make sure you beat him in every test, Rosie. Thank god you've inherited your mother's brains.

J.K. Rowling

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Rodney Dangerfield

Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men.

Neil Gaiman

Her family had of late been exceedingly fluctuating. For many years of her life she had had two sons; but the crime and annihilation of Edward a few weeks ago, had robbed her of one; the similar annihilation of Robert had left her for a fortnight without any; and now, by the resurrection of Edward, she had one again.

Jane Austen

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

Steven Wright

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Steven Wright

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, Wish you were here.

Steven Wright

As a person is so must you humor them.

Terence

A humorist is a person who feels bad, but who feels good about it.

Don Herold

I was supposed to be waiting up here when you got back, only your Phoenix lot got in the way...Yes, they do that, said Dumbledore.

J.K. Rowling

I filled out an application that said, In Case Of Emergency Notify.I wrote Doctor...What's my mother going to do?

Steven Wright

Any attempts at humor immediately after September 11th were deemed tasteless.

Allen Klein

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took itout, it was gone.

Steven Wright

That, they never could lay their heads upon their pillows; that, they could never tolerate the idea of their wives laying their heads upon their pillows; that, they could never endure the notion of their children laying their heads on their pillows; in short , that there never more could be , for them or theirs , any laying of heads upon pillows at all , unless the prisioner's head was taken off.The Attorney General during the trial of Mr. Darnay

Charles Dickens

Don't count your owls before they are delivered.

J.K. Rowling

I want someone who can keep me on my toes, has a good sense of humor and a good heart.

Carmen Electra

I always thought the biggest failing of Americans was their lack of irony. They are very serious there! Naturally, there are exceptions... the Jewish, Italian, and Irish humor of the East Coast.

Colin Firth

As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.

Steven Wright

It was quite impossible to describe.Here is what it looked like.It looked like a piano sounds shortly after being dropped down a well. It tasted yellow, and it felt Paisley. It smelled like the total eclipse of the moon.

Terry Pratchett