Humor Quotes

Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death.

Terry Pratchett

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps from moving cars.

Rodney Dangerfield

I am often the brunt of my own humor.

Charles R. Swindoll

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic myshadow.

Steven Wright

The shrieks were coming from two quite naked girls, who were pursued by a pair of apes snapping at their bottoms. [...] So he now raises his double-barrelled Spanish rifle, fires and kills both apes. 'God be praised, my dear Calambo! I have delivered these two poor creatures from grave peril; if it was a sin to kill an Inquisitor and a Jesuit, I have made ample amends by saving the lives of two girls [...]'He was about to continue, but words failed him when he saw the two girls throw their arms lovingly around the two apes and collapse in tears over their corpses, filling the air with the most pitiful lamentations. 'I was not expecting quite so much tenderness of heart,' he said at last to Cacambo, who replied: 'You've excelled yourself this time, Master; you have just despatched the two lovers of these young ladies.' '-Their lovers! Is it possible? You're making fun of me, Cacambo; how could anyone believe in such a thing?' - 'My dear Master,' retorted Cacambo, 'you are always astounished by everything; why do you find it so strange that in some countries it is apes who enjoy the favours of young ladies? After all, they are one-quarter human, just as I am one-quarter Spanish.

Voltaire

Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion - thus:Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man.Minor Premise: One man can dig a post-hole in sixty seconds; Therefore-Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post-hole in one second.This may be called syllogism arithmetical, in which, by combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed.

Ambrose Bierce

There are so many things to talk about between black people, Hispanic people, white people, gay people, men, women, it's all based on fear. We all have fears, this thing that stops us from embracing as we are one. We are never going to be one. People are messed up, but humor lets us see how ignorant we can be.

Marlon Wayans

Yesterday I parked my car in a towaway zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

Steven Wright

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Rodney Dangerfield

Simon: So were you following me? Or is it just an amazing coincidence that you happened to be on the roof of a building I was walking by when I got attacked?Jace: I was following you.Simon: Is this the part where you tell me you're secretly in love with me?

Cassandra Clare

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

Steven Wright

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Mark Twain

Shearwater sighed, like a whale in the night.

Aldous Huxley

She's the sort of woman who lives for others - you can tell the others by their hunted expression.

C.S. Lewis

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers fortwins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, buthe didn't obey.

Steven Wright

Whatever else an American believes or disbelieves about himself, he is absolutely sure he has a sense of humor.

E. B. White

She wore so much thick white makeup in order to conceal her naturally rosy complexion that if she turned around suddenly her face would probably end up on the back of her head.

Terry Pratchett

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because thatmeans it's going to be up all night.

Steven Wright

I have no culture, no humane harmony in my brains. I can't live without a culture anymore.

Kurt Vonnegut

You know, you're rather amusingly wrong.

Terry Pratchett