Humor Quotes

Actors are so fortunate. They can choose whether they will appear in tragedy or in comedy, whether they will suffer or make merry, laugh or shed tears. But in real life it is different. Most men and women are forced to perform parts for which they have no qualifications. Our Guildensterns play Hamlet for us, and our Hamlets have to jest like Prince Hal. The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.

Oscar Wilde

We are, in the comics, the last frontier of good, wholesome family humor and entertainment.

Bil Keane

Things that try to look like things often do look more like things than things.

Terry Pratchett

If I convert it's because it's better that a believer dies than that an atheist does.

Christopher Hitchens

All my jobs have been with food in one way or another since 1948. My parents were in the hotel business, and I just loved the warm hearted people who worked so hard with such good humor.

Graham Kerr

I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code.

Rodney Dangerfield

Ankh-Morpork is a godless city--''I thought it had more than three hundred places of worship?' said Maladict.Strappi stared at him in rage that was incoherent until he managed to touch bottom again. 'Ankh-Morpork is a city', he recovered.

Terry Pratchett

I just am a snob when it comes to humor.

Courteney Cox

The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.

Kurt Vonnegut

The more I live, the more I think that humor is the saving sense.

Jacob August Riis

He has such a patronizing tone and manner, and such a sarcastic sense of humor. I found him rather brutal, a kind of elegant brutality which appealed. No, I think he came pretty much off the page.

Jeremy Northam

I went to a garage sale. How much for the garage? It's notfor sale.

Steven Wright

In the words of the philosopher Scepturn, the founder of my profession: am I going to get paid for this?

Terry Pratchett

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

Steven Wright

Some things are fairly obvious when it's a seven-foot skeleton with a scythe telling you them

Terry Pratchett

Dear Teens at Starbucks wearing 'Abstain from Sex 2 Attain Ur Goals' t-shirts: Doesn't it depend on what my goals are?

John Green

Yes, vanity is a weakness indeed. But pride - where there is a real superiority of mind, pride will be always under good regulation.

Jane Austen

A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him...how am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo? He told me That is why we give you 21 days.

Rodney Dangerfield

The only way a woman can ever reform a man is by boring him so completely that he loses all possible interest in life.

Oscar Wilde

All the people who follow me on Twitter know my sense of humor. I sometimes forget the blogosphere will give it more weight than I intended.

Kurt Sutter