Humor Quotes

Professor Kettleburn, our Care of Magical Creatures teacher, retired at the end of last year in order to enjoy more time with his remaining limbs.

J.K. Rowling

Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked.How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee?

John Green

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now.But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

Steven Wright

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour? Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long...

Steven Wright

And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy...I'd have nothing to play with!

Rodney Dangerfield

One day as I came home early from work I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, Hey buddy . . . why are you doing that? He said, Because you came home early.

Rodney Dangerfield

He was a dying man looking down on the surgeons trying to save him.

John Green

Your own brain ought to have the decency to be on your side!

Terry Pratchett

You have to have a sense of humor about life to get through it.

Kesha

If something is going to happen to me, I want to be there.

Albert Camus

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.

Steven Wright

I love a man with a great sense of humor and who is intelligent - a man who has a great smile. He has to make me laugh. I like a man who is very ambitious and driven and who has a good heart and makes me feel safe. I like a man who is very strong and independent and confident - that is very sexy - but at the same time, he's very kind to people.

Nicole Scherzinger

My type of humor is me not caring whether people know what I'm talking about or not.

John Hodgman

The house smelled musty and damp, and a little sweet, as if it were haunted by the ghosts of long-dead cookies.

Neil Gaiman

I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets,but he isn't a midget. He's a midgetdwarf. He's two inchestall. He's the one who poses for trophies.

Steven Wright

My sister having so much to do, was going to church vicariously, that is to say, Joe and I were going.

Charles Dickens

I think at its best the American sense of humor is the same as the British sense of humor at its best, which is to be wry and ironic and self deprecating.

Simon Pegg

Phoebus de Chateaupers likewise came to a 'tragic end': he married.

Victor Hugo

It's easier to sit there and say you don't like feminists because they don't have a sense of humor.

Joan Jett