Humor Quotes

However, frat-boy humor is funny and it always will be.

Craig Kilborn

n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

Ambrose Bierce

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. Isaid, I'll be the one in the leather jacket. She said, I'llbe the one drinking sake. Turned out it was one of thosebikersushi places. We never met.

Steven Wright

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.

Steven Wright

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

Steven Wright

Well you seemed too busy to call him a prat and I thought someone should.

J.K. Rowling

This book was written using 100% recycled words.

Terry Pratchett

A lot of the nonsense was the innocent result of playfulness on the part of the founding fathers of the nation of Dwayne Hoover and Kilgore Trout. The founders were aristocrats, and they wished to show off their useless eduction, which consisted of the study of hocus-pocus from ancient times. They were bum poets as well. But some of the nonsense was evil, since it concealed great crime. For example, teachers of children in the United States of America wrote this date on blackboards again and again, and asked the children to memorize it with pride and joy:1492The teachers told the children that this was when their continent was discovered by human beings. Actually, millions of human beings were already living full and imaginative lives on the continent in 1492. That was simply the year in which sea pirates began to cheat and rob and kill them.Here was another piece of nonsense which children were taught: that the sea pirates eventually created a government which became a beacon of freedom of human beings everywhere else. There were pictures and statues of this supposed imaginary beacon for children to see. It was sort of ice-cream cone on fire. It looked like this:[image]Actually, the sea pirates who had the most to do with the creation of the new government owned human slaves. They used human beings for machinery, and, even after slavery was eliminated, because it was so embarrassing, they and their descendants continued to think of ordinary human beings as machines.The sea pirates were white. The people who were already on the continent when the pirates arrived were copper-colored. When slavery was introduced onto the continent, the slaves were black.Color was everything.Here is how the pirates were able to take whatever they wanted from anybody else: they had the best boats in the world, and they were meaner than anybody else, and they had gunpowder, which is a mixture of potassium nitrate, charcoal, and sulphur. They touched the seemingly listless powder with fire, and it turned violently into gas. This gas bl

Kurt Vonnegut

Men love it. They have a sense of humor, whereas a lot of women are threatened or just don't get it.

Lara Flynn Boyle

He was born with a gift of laughter and a sense that the world was mad. And that was all his patrimony.

Rafael Sabatini

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Steven Wright

IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT /MEANT/ TO BE SAFE.

Terry Pratchett

I can last two months on a good compliment.

Mark Twain

Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything.

Kurt Vonnegut

I fought linotype and monotype for some time because it would not justify as well as handset could be made to do; but at last, as always happens, the machine outdid the hand, and got all the best types on it.

George Bernard Shaw

Humanity's a nice place to visit, but you wouldn't want to live there.

Terry Pratchett

And that's what I don't like about magic, Captain. 'cos it's *magic*. You can't ask questions, it's magic. It doesn't explain anything, it's magic. You don't know where it comes from, it's magic! That's what I don't like about magic, it does everything by magic!

Terry Pratchett

Why are you worrying about YOU-KNOW-WHO, when you should be worrying about YOU-NO-POO? The constipation sensation that's gripping the nation!

J.K. Rowling

I knew a girl that was so ugly that... They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

Rodney Dangerfield

I think great humor lies in playing the truth of a situation.

Brendan Coyle