Henny Youngman Quotes

A collection of quotes by Henny Youngman.

Henny Youngman was a renowned American stand-up comedian and violinist, known for his rapid-fire one-liners and his signature line, "Take my wife...please!" He was born on March 16, 1906, in Liverpool, England, and his family moved to the United States when he was a child.

Youngman started playing the violin at a young age and eventually toured with a band before discovering his talent for comedy. He gained widespread fame and became a household name in the 1940s and 1950s, frequently appearing on popular television shows, including "The Ed Sullivan Show" and "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson."

With his quick wit and trademark zingers, Youngman became known as the "King of the One-Liners." His jokes often revolved around marital relationships, making fun of his own wife and painting humorous scenarios for the audience. He released several successful comedy albums, including "Take My Album... Please!" and "Henny Youngman's Greatest One-Liners."

Henny Youngman's career spanned more than six decades, and he continued to perform well into his nineties. He was inducted into the Songwriters Hall of Fame in 1993 and received a Lifetime Achievement Award from the American Comedy Awards. Youngman passed away on February 24, 1998, leaving behind a comedic legacy as one of the most influential and beloved comedians of his time.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up -- they ha

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up -- they have no holidays.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to be

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'cl

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. I

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until hal

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

Gambling (gaming)

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take tim

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so ba

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o cl

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o clock.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way bac

I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.

If your going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry f

If your going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for in the morning, sleep late.

Regret & Remorse

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were s

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman w

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they hav

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. Ho

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.