Funny Quotes

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

Jack Benny

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

Natalie Wood

People don't want to listen to a celebrity tweeting about their charities and shows. That's why comedy writers do well - we put out little funny ideas.

Mindy Kaling

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

Dave Barry

It's funny, because I did all of these interviews as soon as I had the baby, and they were asking questions, and I really didn't have an idea of anything, because I was so blurry.

Emily Procter

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

Naguib Mahfouz

I tell you, it's funny because the only time I think about HIV is when I have to take my medicine twice a day.

Magic Johnson

I remember interviewing someone I actually felt bad for, and therefore didn't want to take an ironic stance against him. It actually turned out to be a really funny piece.

Rob Corddry

I watch things that are fun, or funny, or interesting.

Martha Plimpton

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

H. L. Mencken

It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead your made for life.

Jimi Hendrix

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

Rodney Dangerfield

What is the meaning of human life, or of organic life altogether To answer this question at all implies a religion. Is there any sense then, you ask, in putting it I answer, the man who regards his own life and that of his fellow creatures as meaningless is not merely unfortunate but almost disqualified for life.

Albert Einstein

Nothing's funny about someone who's successful.

Drew Carey

The word 'Spanx' was funny. It made people laugh. No one ever forgot it.

Sara Blakely

Bishops move diagonally. That's why they often turn up where the kings don't expect them to be.

Terry Pratchett

Daddy is trying really fugging hard to think of a not-terrifying reason why you'd wake Daddy up in the middle of the night to ask that fugging question. But no. No. Daddy does not have a match or a lighter.

John Green

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

Charles M. Schulz

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I calledsomeone. They went Aaaaahhhh...

Steven Wright

Is your inner vampire different from your... outer vampire? Deffinitely. He wants me to wear midriff-baring shirts and a fedora. I'm fighting it.

Cassandra Clare