Funny Quotes

The figures looked more or less human. And they were engaged in religion. You could tell by the knives (it's not murder if you do it for a god).

Terry Pratchett

She was satisfied with the answer God had given Moses from the burning bush when Moses had seen fit to question. Who are you? Mose asks, and God comes back from that bush just as pert as you like: I Am, Who I AM. In other words, Mose, stop beatin around this here bush and get your old ass in gear.

Stephen King

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

Rodney Dangerfield

Oh, I hate the cheap severity of abstract ethics!

Oscar Wilde

Duty has a trick of behaving unexpectedly -- something like a heavy friend whom we have amiably asked to visit us, and who breaks his leg within our gates.

George Eliot

Every man is surrounded by a neighborhood of voluntary spies.

Jane Austen

Do you know, it's funny, but I never thought of being blind as a disadvantage, and I never thought of being black as a disadvantage.

Stevie Wonder

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

Rodney Dangerfield

It's a bit like school camp, shooting a film. Everyone's on heat. It's a strange energy. It's full of adrenalin. I funnel my excess energy in funny little ways. I do a lot of dancing in my trailer. I love music.

Alice Englert

What are imitation rhinestones?

Steven Wright

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

Benjamin Franklin

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.

Norman Wisdom

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

Timothy Leary

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

George Bernard Shaw

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

Woody Allen

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Steven Wright

Don't remember me as too nice or beautiful or funny, because then you'll be disappointed.

Celia Johnson

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

Demetri Martin

They did that little thing on South Park, and they mentioned my name and had a character of me judging a Halloween contest. It was really funny.That made me the coolest aunt on earth.

Tina Yothers

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Dave Barry