Browse through our collection of quotes tagged with Funny.
I had a quicksand box as a kid. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright
I hope to-morrow will be a fine day, Lane.It never is, sir.Lane, you're a perfect pessimist.I do my best to give satisfaction, sir.
Oscar Wilde
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
Rodney Dangerfield
Even the gods love jokes
Plato
Never put a sock in a toaster.
Eddie Izzard
The champagne had been donated by one of Gus's doctors - Gus being the kind of person who inspires doctors to give their best bottles of champagne to children.
John Green
Human relations, at least between the sexes, were carried on as relations between countries are now - with ambassadors, and treaties. The parties concerned met on the great occasion of the proposal. If this were refused, a state of war was declared.
Virginia Woolf
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, I don't know, no one has ever made it.
So many things to see, people to do.
Neil Gaiman
The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is why he made so many of them.
Abraham Lincoln
Jace said that the cast of Gilligan's Island could do something anatomically unlikely with themselves.
Cassandra Clare
It is not length of life, but depth of life.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.
Thomas Carlyle
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It wasin the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but theyweren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff life is made of.
Benjamin Franklin
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
I took a baby shower.
Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
Mark Twain
Y'all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.
Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that's where it should stay.
Christopher Hitchens
