Funny Quotes

It's funny, because '1600 Penn' was the first time I really started to read the reviews, because I am an executive producer and I wanted to see what people were enjoying and not enjoying as a means to an end, right?

Josh Gad

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

Ron White

I wish I could be as thin as Jessica Simpson. I think she looks gorgeous! I have had Jessica on my show several times, and I can tell you that girl is genuine and funny with a great self-deprecating sense of humor.

Rachael Ray

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Mitch Hedberg

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

George Carlin

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

Bob Hope

It's so crowded, nobody goes there.

Yogi Berra

I love catching people in the act. That's why I always whip open doors.

Dwight Schrute

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Steven Wright

The things that make me angry still make me angry. George Carlin is 67, and he's still as funny as he's ever been, and he's still angry. And that makes me feel good, because I feel like if I stick around long enough, I'll still be able to work.

Denis Leary

We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.

Logan P. Smith

Any customer can have a car painted any color that he wants so long as it is black.

Henry Ford

Things can be funny only when we are in fun. When we're 'dead earnest,' humor is the only thing that is dead.

Flip Wilson

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Tim Allen

Sometimes we have to actually say, I think you're really funny, but none of your jokes are going to make it on the air. So just answer my questions. Seriously.

Rob Corddry

I can resist everything except temptation.

Oscar Wilde

I watched a lot of silent directors who were absolutely great like John Ford and Fritz Lang, Tod Browning, and also some very modern directors like The Coen Brothers. The directors take the freedom within their own movies to be melodramatic or funny when they chose to be. They do whatever they want and they don't care about the genre.

Michel Hazanavicius

Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.

Henry Lawson

It just seems awfully mean. But sometimes, the ends justify the mean.

Michael Scott

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Joan Rivers