Funny Quotes

My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.

Rodney Dangerfield

Once, I asked my mom why stars shine. She said they werenight-lights, so the angels could find their way around in Heaven.But when I asked my dad, he started talking about gas, and somehowI put it all together and figured that the food God served causedmultiple trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Jodi Picoult

Bless the bright eyes of your sex! They never see, whether for good or bad, more than one side of any question; and that is always, the one which first presents itself to them.

Charles Dickens

Chairmen Meow deserves me every effort.

Cassandra Clare

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.

Albert Einstein

Your wife is a big hippo! My face is melting! My face is meltinnnnggg!

Terry Pratchett

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Rodney Dangerfield

adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

Ambrose Bierce

If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged

Terry Pratchett

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Ambrose Bierce

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

Steven Wright

It was here that the thaum, hitherto believed to be the smallest possible particle of magic, was succesfully demonstrated to be made up of /resons/ (Lit.: 'Thing-ies') or reality fragments. Currently research indicates that each reson is itself made up of a combination of at least five 'flavours', known as 'up', 'down', 'sideways', 'sex appeal' and 'peppermint'.

Terry Pratchett

It is hard to forget that which it is worse than useless to remember.

Henry David Thoreau

All right I think we've been down here in the dark long enough. There's a whole other world upstairs. Take my hand Constant Reader and I'll be happy to lead you back into the sunshine. I'm happy to go there because I believe most people are essentially good. I know that I am. It's you I'm not entirely sure of.

Stephen King

So that's little Scorpious. Make sure you beat him in every test, Rosie. Thank god you've inherited your mother's brains.

J.K. Rowling

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Rodney Dangerfield

Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men.

Neil Gaiman

Her family had of late been exceedingly fluctuating. For many years of her life she had had two sons; but the crime and annihilation of Edward a few weeks ago, had robbed her of one; the similar annihilation of Robert had left her for a fortnight without any; and now, by the resurrection of Edward, she had one again.

Jane Austen

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

Steven Wright

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Steven Wright