Funny Quotes

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, Wish you were here.

Steven Wright

I was supposed to be waiting up here when you got back, only your Phoenix lot got in the way...Yes, they do that, said Dumbledore.

J.K. Rowling

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Joan Rivers

I filled out an application that said, In Case Of Emergency Notify.I wrote Doctor...What's my mother going to do?

Steven Wright

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took itout, it was gone.

Steven Wright

That, they never could lay their heads upon their pillows; that, they could never tolerate the idea of their wives laying their heads upon their pillows; that, they could never endure the notion of their children laying their heads on their pillows; in short , that there never more could be , for them or theirs , any laying of heads upon pillows at all , unless the prisioner's head was taken off.The Attorney General during the trial of Mr. Darnay

Charles Dickens

Don't count your owls before they are delivered.

J.K. Rowling

As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.

Steven Wright

It was quite impossible to describe.Here is what it looked like.It looked like a piano sounds shortly after being dropped down a well. It tasted yellow, and it felt Paisley. It smelled like the total eclipse of the moon.

Terry Pratchett

n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

Ambrose Bierce

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. Isaid, I'll be the one in the leather jacket. She said, I'llbe the one drinking sake. Turned out it was one of thosebikersushi places. We never met.

Steven Wright

I don't really have a type of guy I like. It's just like nice guys, cute boys I mean, ones that are funny.

Emma Roberts

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.

Steven Wright

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

Steven Wright

In terms of the creative side of it, it's really been a thing where you come up with the funny stuff is usually at a bar or out talking to people or whatever.

Trey Parker

Well you seemed too busy to call him a prat and I thought someone should.

J.K. Rowling

Thanks for not trying to see me when I looked like hell.To be fair, you still look pretty bad.

John Green

This book was written using 100% recycled words.

Terry Pratchett

A lot of the nonsense was the innocent result of playfulness on the part of the founding fathers of the nation of Dwayne Hoover and Kilgore Trout. The founders were aristocrats, and they wished to show off their useless eduction, which consisted of the study of hocus-pocus from ancient times. They were bum poets as well. But some of the nonsense was evil, since it concealed great crime. For example, teachers of children in the United States of America wrote this date on blackboards again and again, and asked the children to memorize it with pride and joy:1492The teachers told the children that this was when their continent was discovered by human beings. Actually, millions of human beings were already living full and imaginative lives on the continent in 1492. That was simply the year in which sea pirates began to cheat and rob and kill them.Here was another piece of nonsense which children were taught: that the sea pirates eventually created a government which became a beacon of freedom of human beings everywhere else. There were pictures and statues of this supposed imaginary beacon for children to see. It was sort of ice-cream cone on fire. It looked like this:[image]Actually, the sea pirates who had the most to do with the creation of the new government owned human slaves. They used human beings for machinery, and, even after slavery was eliminated, because it was so embarrassing, they and their descendants continued to think of ordinary human beings as machines.The sea pirates were white. The people who were already on the continent when the pirates arrived were copper-colored. When slavery was introduced onto the continent, the slaves were black.Color was everything.Here is how the pirates were able to take whatever they wanted from anybody else: they had the best boats in the world, and they were meaner than anybody else, and they had gunpowder, which is a mixture of potassium nitrate, charcoal, and sulphur. They touched the seemingly listless powder with fire, and it turned violently into gas. This gas bl

Kurt Vonnegut

Anyway, as the old barrelhouse song says, My God, how the money rolled in. Norton must have subscribed to the old Puritan notion that the best way to figure out which folks God favours is by checking their bank acounts.

Stephen King