Funny Quotes

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Steven Wright

IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT /MEANT/ TO BE SAFE.

Terry Pratchett

I can last two months on a good compliment.

Mark Twain

I was doing sketches that were funny but socially irresponsible. I felt I was deliberately being encouraged and I was overwhelmed.

Dave Chappelle

Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything.

Kurt Vonnegut

Humanity's a nice place to visit, but you wouldn't want to live there.

Terry Pratchett

And that's what I don't like about magic, Captain. 'cos it's *magic*. You can't ask questions, it's magic. It doesn't explain anything, it's magic. You don't know where it comes from, it's magic! That's what I don't like about magic, it does everything by magic!

Terry Pratchett

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Isaac Asimov

Why are you worrying about YOU-KNOW-WHO, when you should be worrying about YOU-NO-POO? The constipation sensation that's gripping the nation!

J.K. Rowling

I knew a girl that was so ugly that... They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

Rodney Dangerfield

She smiled smugly. We came to an agreement, the duck and I.

Cassandra Clare

I find it so funny that people find me so interesting.

Britney Spears

I'm not a believer in the pratfall. I don't think it's funny just to have someone fall down.

Harold Ramis

You honor our humble abode,' said Bean.'I do, don't I,' said Peter with a smile.

Orson Scott Card

I need to be cheered up a lot. I think funny people are people who need to be cheered up.

Lynda Barry

Actors are so fortunate. They can choose whether they will appear in tragedy or in comedy, whether they will suffer or make merry, laugh or shed tears. But in real life it is different. Most men and women are forced to perform parts for which they have no qualifications. Our Guildensterns play Hamlet for us, and our Hamlets have to jest like Prince Hal. The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.

Oscar Wilde

Things that try to look like things often do look more like things than things.

Terry Pratchett

There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it. (1.1)

C.S. Lewis

If I convert it's because it's better that a believer dies than that an atheist does.

Christopher Hitchens

I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code.

Rodney Dangerfield