Funny Quotes

You can laugh! But people used to believe there were no such things as the Blibbering Humdinger or the Crumple-Horned Snorkack!

J.K. Rowling

We seemed to be trapped in an episode of One Life To Waste. It's all very dull.

Cassandra Clare

Lord Henry Wotton: I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.

Oscar Wilde

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Bertrand Russell

It (Unemployment Insurance) provides prepaid vacations for a segment of our country which has made it a way of life

Ronald Reagan

All men are born with a nose and ten fingers, but no one was born with a knowledge of God.

Voltaire

i told you he'd freak out, she siad. didn't i?ah, the i told you so, jace said. always a classy move

Cassandra Clare

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.

Albert Einstein

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Steven Wright

He is really not so ugly after all, provided, of course, that one shuts one's eyes, and does not look at him.

Oscar Wilde

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Henny Youngman

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

Arnold Schwarzenegger

I actually was class clown, but I don't know how that happened because I've never been considered an outwardly funny person-as the people in this room will attest.

Janeane Garofalo

I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.

Larry David

I'm not a comedian. I'm an actor who just happens to be funny on occasion.

Anthony Anderson

I really don't know what makes a comedian. I think it's a family background and environment. Yet if you put the same ingredients in another person, he may never utter a funny line.

Bob Newhart

It's funny because it's funny.

David Spade

Were it not for my little jokes, I could not bear the burdens of this office.

Abraham Lincoln

If toast always lands butterside down, and cats always land ontheir feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a catand drop it?

Steven Wright

But the helmet had gold decoration, and the bespoke armorers had made a new gleaming breastplate with useless gold ornamentation on it. Sam Vimes felt like a class traitor every time he wore it. He hated being thought of as one of those people that wore stupid ornamental armor. It was gilt by association.

Terry Pratchett