Funny Quotes

The house smelled musty and damp, and a little sweet, as if it were haunted by the ghosts of long-dead cookies.

Neil Gaiman

Sometimes people get mad at The Simpsons' subversive story telling, but there's another message in there, which is a celebration of making wild, funny stories.

Matt Groening

I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets,but he isn't a midget. He's a midgetdwarf. He's two inchestall. He's the one who poses for trophies.

Steven Wright

My sister having so much to do, was going to church vicariously, that is to say, Joe and I were going.

Charles Dickens

I joke around a lot about the manic times because they're funny. We manics do outrageous things and it is part of our colorful nature.

Patty Duke

Phoebus de Chateaupers likewise came to a 'tragic end': he married.

Victor Hugo

I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.

Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

Rodney Dangerfield

Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.

Zach Galifianakis

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Steven Wright

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little picturesof cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around incircles.

Steven Wright

I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911and dedicated a crime to my girlfriend.

Steven Wright

GRAPESHOT, n. An argument which the future is preparing in answer to the demands of American Socialism.

Ambrose Bierce

Montana was naked, and so was Billy, of course. He had a tremendous wang, incidentally. You never know who'll get one.

Kurt Vonnegut

It is a commonplace that the history of civilisation is largely the history of weapons. In particular, the connection between the discovery of gunpowder and the overthrow of feudalism by the bourgeoisie has been pointed out over and over again. And though I have no doubt exceptions can be brought forward, I think the following rule would be found to be generally true that ages in which the dominant weapon is expensive or difficult to make will be ages of despotism, whereas when the dominant weapon is cheap and simple, the common people have a chance. Thus, for example, tanks, battleships and bombing planes are inherently tyrannical weapons, while rifles, muskets, longbows and handgrenades are inherently democratic weapons. A complex weapon makes the strong stronger, while a simple weapon so long as there is no answer to it gives claws to the weak.

George Orwell

Great, big, serious novels always get awards. If it's a battle between a great, big, serious novel and a funny novel, the funny novel is doomed.

Neil Gaiman

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

Rodney Dangerfield

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

Elbert Hubbard

One might be led to suspect that there were all sorts of things going on in the Universe which he or she did not thoroughly understand.

Kurt Vonnegut

I got myself good this morning too. I did my push ups in the nude...but I didn't see the mouse trap.

Rodney Dangerfield