Funny Quotes

My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.

Jeff Ross

When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; Istole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, Ilearned that the shortest distance between two points was adirect line. I took advantage of that knowledge.

Steven Wright

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. But I only nibble onit. I make the holes bigger.

Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

Steven Wright

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

Rodney Dangerfield

I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow init. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back andit starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plowthat does it in rows.

Steven Wright

Good crowd...good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm OK now but last week I was in rough shape... Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Rodney Dangerfield

When humor can be made to alternate with melancholy, one has a success, but when the same things are funny and melancholic at the same time, it's just wonderful.

Francois Truffaut

I went to a 711 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, tenfour.

Steven Wright

It's funny. People often compare me to other humor essayists. They're usually quite nice comparisons I will accept those gladly. But I am always sort of appalled at the idea of being lumped with other, more chick-y female writers. And the truth is probably that neither comparison is accurate.

Sloane Crosley

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He gotpretty good. He could go under a rug.

Steven Wright

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.

Lewis Mumford

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Steven Wright

Women have no appreciation of good looks-at least, good women have not.

Oscar Wilde

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.

Steven Wright

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

Angelina Jolie

I was arrested for selling illegalsized paper.

Steven Wright

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, So. What did you think?

Steven Wright

Everywhere's been where it is ever since it was first put there. It's called geography.

Terry Pratchett

What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

Rodney Dangerfield