Funny Quotes

Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted. That men do not learn very much from the lessons of history is the most important of all the lessons of history.

Aldous Huxley

I always just wanted to be funny. I never really planned to be scary.

R. L. Stine

Humor is an almost physiological response to fear.

Kurt Vonnegut

they are all silly and ignorant like other girls; but Lizzy has something more of quickness than her sisters.

Jane Austen

Reason number 106 why dogs are smarter than humans: once you leave the litter, you server contact with your mothers.

Jodi Picoult

People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.

Logan P. Smith

Clary made fun of him about his new look; but, then, Clary found everything about Simon's love life borderline hilarious.

Cassandra Clare

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It's just funny.

Taylor Swift

Great, tell me when you've defeated Voldemort for me, will you?

J.K. Rowling

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me arefurious!

Steven Wright

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, Why were you going so fast? I said, See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it.

Steven Wright

My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

Rodney Dangerfield

I thought I was funny as a kid.

Jo Brand

They were small, brightly coloured, happy little creatures who secreted some of the nastiest toxins in the world, which is why the job of looking after the large vivarium where they happily passed their days was given to first-year students, on the basis that if they got things wrong there wouldn't be too much education wasted.

Terry Pratchett

What the hell is instant? Nothing is instant. Instant rice takes five minutes, instant pudding in an hour.

John Green

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun...She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.

Steven Wright

One picture is worth 1,000 denials.

Ronald Reagan

I've dealt with many crises in my life, but few will ever happen.

Mark Twain

Flattery is like cologne; water, to be smelt, not swallowed.

Josh Billings

It's to paint directly on the canvas without any funny business, as it were, and I use almost pure turpentine to start with, adding oil as I go along until the medium becomes pure oil. I use as little oil as I can possibly help, and that's my method.

Edward Hopper