Browse through our collection of quotes tagged with Funny.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
The ages live in history through their anachronisms.
Oscar Wilde
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
Rodney Dangerfield
I had a girlfriend that was so fat her bikini was made out of two bed sheets.
You ought to sue that son of a whore
Stephen King
No witch has ever claimed to own the Elder Wand. Make of that what you will.
J.K. Rowling
Anxiety's like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you very far.
Jodi Picoult
The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.
Henry David Thoreau
My liege, and madam, to expostulateWhat majesty should be, what duty is, Why day is day, night night, and time is time,Were nothing but to waste night, day and time.Therefore, since brevity is the soul of wit,And tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes,I will be brief.
William Shakespeare
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright
He is very dry but also very funny... I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be.
Colin Quinn
I sometimes lie awake at night trying to think of something funny that Richard Nixon said.
Lyn Nofziger
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen
Books are funny little portable pieces of thought.
Susan Sontag
It's funny, I never considered that people are going to see me on the show and maybe stop me on the subway.
Lena Dunham
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
Mark Twain
An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it makes a better soup.
Bertrand Russell
Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
I come more to Scotland than I ever used to, so I feel more connected to it, more part of the zeitgeist. You know when you realize you have a choice and I'm choosing my homeland. It's funny: when you get older these things creep up to you.
Alan Cumming
