Funny Quotes

Sex is not about reproduc-tion, gender is not about males and females, courtship is not aboutpersuasion, fashion is not about beauty, and love is not about affec-tion. Below the surface of every banality and cliche there lies irony,cynicism, and profundity.

Matt Ridley

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark...

Rodney Dangerfield

- Where is Polonius?- In heaven; send hither to see: if your messenger find him not there, seek him i' the other place yourself.

William Shakespeare

As long as we don't die, this is gonna be one hell of a story.

John Green

I love New York. I was sad, depressed and incredibly moved by our fellow countrymen and what they've done. I wanted to give people a chance to see something funny, have a distraction.

Ben Stiller

Everyone talks about the weather, but no one does anything about it.

Mark Twain

What's a philosopher?' said Brutha.Someone who's bright enough to find a job with no heavy lifting,' said a voice in his head.

Terry Pratchett

I got a book for my birthday How to make it big I had to take it back.

Rodney Dangerfield

I see uncool people!

Tonya Hurley

The universe is a million billion light-years wide, and every inch of it would kill you if you went there. This is the position of the universe with regards to human life.

Martin Amis

I got used to dealing with groups of boys and getting on with life in unpleasant circumstances and being smart and funny and subversive at the expense of authority.

Eric Idle

Maybe if God gives you a handicap, he makes sure you've got a few extra doses of humor to take the edge off.

Jodi Picoult

I don't think of myself as a comedian, but as an artist, a scientist and chemist who just happens to be funny. I started doing stand-up to add another level to my game. I feel that I'm a young rookie with a veteran's skill.

Marlon Wayans

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... Itwasn't doing what I was doing.

Steven Wright

Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.

Albert Einstein

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

Steven Wright

[I] don't think I was trying to kill myself. I just wanted to hurt, and understand exactly whay I was hurting. This made sense: you cut, you felt pain, period.

Jodi Picoult

Don't put your wand into your back pocket! Better wizards than you have lost buttocks from it!

J.K. Rowling

Furnishing was not a priority in the Citadel. Shelves, stools, tables... There was a rumor among the novices that priests towards the top of the hierarchy had golden furniture, but there was no sign of it here. The room was as severe as anything in the novices' quarters although it had, perhaps, a more opulent severity; it wasn't the forced bareness of poverty, but the starkness of intent.

Terry Pratchett

I was a hop-around. I hung out with the rockabilly crew, the guys who were trying to be rappers, the funny kids.

Katy Perry