Funny Quotes

You should have told her differently,' said Hermione, still with that maddeningly patient air. 'You should have said it was really annoying, but I'd made you promise to come along to the Three Broomsticks, and you really didn't want to go, you'd much rather spend the whole day with her, but unfortunately you thought you really ought to meet me and would she please, please come along with you, and hopefully you'd be able to get away more quickly? And it might have been a good idea to mention how ugly you think I am too,' Hermione added as an afterthought.'But I don't think you're ugly,' said Harry, bemused.Hermione laughed.

J.K. Rowling

Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.

Terry Pratchett

I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep.?

Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Death is coming but hopefully not before old age, decrepitude, and senility.?

Jarod Kintz

I'm an unorthodox type of guy, a funny guy - at least I think I'm funny. And one of the things I like to do is come up with nicknames for myself.

Shaquille O'Neal

I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.

Steven Wright

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Steven Wright

I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Steven Wright

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.

Norm MacDonald

Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.

Denis Leary

So that's why one of my rules of parody writing is that it's gotta be funny regardless of whether you know the source material. It has to work on its own merit.

Al Yankovic

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

Demetri Martin

I liked getting the best villain award. I thought that was funny.

Stephen Dorff

See, I don't really go after girls. Most of the girlfriends I've had have come after me. So it's really funny when girls get offended because I don't hit on them.

Kellan Lutz

Funny is funny is funny.

Bob Newhart

It's funny the way most people love the dead. Once you are dead, you are made for life.

Jimi Hendrix

There are 2 things that will bring you success in life: 1) Don't tell everyone everything you know.

Anonymous

We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the 'Girlfriend in a Coma' is, like, really funny.

Zach Galifianakis

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

Robert Orben

Strange questions are the more interesting ones. Children by and large don't try to trip you up... they want to find out how you do this funny thing that you do... if they've loved a story they love to know how it started.

Michael Morpurgo