Funny Quotes

The prospects for a coherent, hilarious and consistent American comedy seem to lessen every year, as the poor waterlogged, gassy corpse called 'Evan Almighty' proved when it floated ashore recently. So there's a temptation to think too highly of Robin Williams's uneven but occasionally funny 'License to Wed.'

Stephen Hunter

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.

Steven Wright

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

Steven Wright

Some people have lives; some people have music.

John Green

My job is mostly to entertain and be funny.

Rosie O'Donnell

God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who .

Terry Pratchett

The dogmas of the quiet past are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled high with difficulty, and we must rise with the occasion. As our case is new, so we must think anew and act anew.

Abraham Lincoln

Polite conversation is rarely either.

Fran Lebowitz

if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it ajoke?

Steven Wright

If you look at the game and everything, it's not quite like looking at an animated film, because that's total character. This, this is really movement, but it's got funny little things if you look for the humor. They're actually getting to the character.

Don Bluth

I bought a perfect second car ... a tow truck.

Rodney Dangerfield

I would call it a comedy variety show. We have some people just doing straight standup. We usually try to have one musical act of sort. So its just people being funny in different ways, not just sketch, not just standup, not just characters, all of those things.

Todd Barry

I met Woz when I was 13, at a friend's garage. He was about 18. He was, like, the first person I met who knew more electronics than I did at that point. We became good friends, because we shared an interest in computer and we had a sense of humor. We pulled all kinds of pranks together.

Steve Jobs

Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on.

Stephen King

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Steven Wright

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

Rodney Dangerfield

There is no Gain in the world: so be it: but neither is there any Loss. There is never any failure to this infinite freshness of life, and the ancient novelty is forever renewed. We realize the world better if we imagine it, not as a Progress to Prim Perf

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Neither claimed any responsibility for Milton Keynes, but both reported it as a success.

Terry Pratchett

The reading public isn't born that doesn't think foreigners are either funny or faintly sinister.

Christopher Hitchens

The fact that the Kardashians could be more popular than a show like 'Mad Men' is disgusting. It's a super disgusting part of our culture, but I still find it funny to make a joke about it.

Jonah Hill