Funny Quotes

As he grew older, which was mostly in my absence, my firstborn son, Alexander, became ever more humorous and courageous. There came a time, as the confrontation with the enemies of our civilization became more acute, when he sent off various applications to enlist in the armed forces. I didn't want to be involved in this decision either way, especially since I was being regularly taunted for not having 'sent' any of my children to fight in the wars of resistance that I supported. (As if I could 'send' anybody, let alone a grown-up and tough and smart young man: what moral imbeciles the 'anti-war' people have become.)

Christopher Hitchens

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour inonly ten minutes.

Steven Wright

Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.

Terry Pratchett

Hagrid looked down at his umbrella and scratched his beard. 'Shouldn'ta lost me temper,' he said ruefully, 'but it didn't work anyway. Meant ter turn him into a pig, but I suppose he was so much like a pig anyway there wasn't much left ter do.

J.K. Rowling

Is the chemical aftertaste the reason why people eat hot dogs, or is it some kind of bonus?

Neil Gaiman

When I was little I bragged about my firefighting father: my father would go to heaven, because if he went to hell he would put out all the fires

Jodi Picoult

He knew from experience that true and obvious ideas, such as the ineffable wisdom and judgment of the Great God Om, seemed so obscure to many people that you actually had to kill them before they saw the error of their ways...

Terry Pratchett

I'll have that someday, thought Peter. Someone who'll kiss me good-bye at the door. Or maybe just someone to put a blindfold over my head before they shoot me. Depending on how things turn out.

Orson Scott Card

It's a funny thing: You want so badly for people to see what you do - you're proud of it - and I like the effect that movies have on people. But the attention can also make me uncomfortable.

Kristen Stewart

Life isn't all fricasseed frogs and eel pie. -Puddleglum in The Silver Chair

C.S. Lewis

There's one thing you can say for air pollution, you get utterly amazing sunrises.

Terry Pratchett

What do batteries run on?

Steven Wright

If you sit down and think about it *sensibly*, you come up with some very funny ideas. Like: why make people inquisitive, and then put some forbidden fruit where they can see it with a big neon finger flashing on and off saying 'THIS IS IT!'? ... I mean, why do that if you really don't *want* them to eat it, eh? I mean, maybe you just want to see how it all turns out. Maybe it's all part of a great big ineffable plan. All of it. You, me, him, everything. Some great big test to see if what you've built all works properly, eh? You start thinking: it *can't* be a great cosmic game of chess, it *has* to be just very complicated Solitaire.

Neil Gaiman

And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Steven Wright

Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge...you can't hear him talk.

Steven Wright

Someone out there was about to find that their worst nightmare was a maddened Librarian. With a badge.

Terry Pratchett

This may sound funny, but as much as the 'Today' show matured me, it also was something of a cocoon. I'd been happy there. I never went into the boss's office and pounded my fist on the desk, saying, 'Give me more money! Give me a prime-time show!'

Jane Pauley

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

Rodney Dangerfield

I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions; fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, heal'd by the same means, warm'd and cool'd by the same winter and summer, as a Christian is? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, do we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that.

William Shakespeare

Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?I didn't think it polite to listen, sir.

Oscar Wilde