Humor Quotes

Wisdom is one of the few things that looks bigger the further away it is.

Terry Pratchett

Mr Lorry asks the witness questions:Ever been kicked? Might have been.Frequently? No. Ever kicked down stairs? Decidedly not; once received a kick at the top of a staircase, and fell down stairs of his own accord.

Charles Dickens

I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like a saintA saint Bernard!

Rodney Dangerfield

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

Rodney Dangerfield

Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business.Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git.Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor.Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.

J.K. Rowling

My mother never breastfed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

Rodney Dangerfield

The brainless serenity of charwomen and janitors working late at night came over us. In a messy world we were at least making our little corner clean.

Kurt Vonnegut

To be is to do - SocratesTo do is to be - SartreDo Be Do Be Do - Sinatra

Kurt Vonnegut

Alas! Earwax!

J.K. Rowling

I love the diversity of America. I love the plain, normal sense of humor Americans have. It is not wicked, like in some countries. And I also love how new America is.

Antonio Banderas

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Steven Wright

It means 'Shadowhunters: Looking Better in Black Than the Widows of our Enemies Since 1234'.

Cassandra Clare

Do you think it's possible for an entire nation to be insane?

Terry Pratchett

Everybody finished the song at different times. At last, only the Weasley twins were left singing along to a very slow funeral march.

J.K. Rowling

Victor eyed the glistening tubes in the tray around Dibbler's neck. They smelled appetizing. They always did. And then you bit into them, and learned once again that Cut-me-own-Throat Dibbler could find a use for bits of an animal that the animal didn't know it had got. Dibbler had worked out that with enough fried onions and mustard people would eat anything.

Terry Pratchett

However, he wrote some verses on her, and very pretty they were. And so ended his affection, said Elizabeth impatiently. There has been many a one, I fancy, overcome in the same way. I wonder who first discovered the efficacy of poetry in driving away love! I have been used to consider poetry as the food of love, said Darcy. Of a fine, stout, healthy love it may. Everything nourishes what is strong already. But if it be only a slight, thin sort of inclination, I am convinced that one good sonnet will starve it entirely away.

Jane Austen

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

Steven Wright

Humor has been a fashioning instrument in America, cleaving its way through the national life, holding tenaciously to the spread elements of that life. Its mode has often been swift and coarse and ruthless, beyond art and beyond established civilization. It has engaged in warfare against the established heritage, against the bonds of pioneer existence. Its objective --the unconscious objective of a disunited people --has seemed to be that of creating fresh bonds, a new unity, the semblance of a society and the rounded completion of an American type.

Constance Rourke

An emotional man may possess no humor, but a humorous man usually has deep pockets of emotion, sometimes tucked away or forgotten.

Constance Rourke

Anyone who thinks impressions of old movie actors is funny absolutely cannot be trusted. I think it's like a law of nature.

Stephen King