Humor Quotes

Never memorize something that you can look up.

Albert Einstein

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in acloset for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevatorpractice.

Steven Wright

WARNING: Humor may be hazardous to your illness.

Ellie Katz

The food was so good that with each passing course, our conversation devolved further into fragmented celebrations of its deliciousness:'I want this dragon carrot risotto to become a person so I can take it to Las Vegas and marry it.

John Green

You look lousy,' he said. Jace blinked. 'Seems an odd time to start an insult contest, but if you insist, I could probably think up something good.''No I mean it. You don't look good.''This is from a guy ho has all the sex appeal of a penguin. Look, I realize you may be jealous that the good Lord didn't deal you the same chiseled hand he dealt me, but that's no reason to-' 'I am not trying to insult you.' Simon snapped.

Cassandra Clare

Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.

Terry Pratchett

And next time you're planning to injure yourself to get me attention, just remember that a little sweet talk works wonders.

Cassandra Clare

There are four simple ways for the observant to tell Mr. Croup and Mr. Vandemar apart: first, Mr. Vandemar is two and a half heads taller than Mr. Croup; second, Mr. Croup has eyes of a faded china blue, while Mr. Vandemar's eyes are brown; third, while Mr. Vandemar fashioned the rings he wears on his right hand out of the skulls of four ravens, Mr. Croup has no obvious jewelery; fourth, Mr. Croup likes words, while Mr. Vandemar is always hungry. Also, they look nothing at all alike.

Neil Gaiman

Jesus could've made it up Mount Calvary without assistance if hehad crosstrained.

Steven Wright

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Steven Wright

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Steven Wright

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

Steven Wright

You've got to have a sense of humor to keep your sanity.

Lance Bass

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

Mark Twain

BOTTOMThere are things in this comedy of Pyramus and Thisby that will never please. First, Pyramus must draw a sword to kill himself; which the ladiescannot abide. How answer you that?SNOUTBy'r lakin, a parlous fear.STARVELINGI believe we must leave the killing out, when all is done.BOTTOMNot a whit: I have a device to make all well.Write me a prologue; and let the prologue seem tosay, we will do no harm with our swords, and thatPyramus is not killed indeed; and, for the morebetter assurance, tell them that I, Pyramus, am notPyramus, but Bottom the weaver: this will put themout of fear.QUINCEWell, we will have such a prologue; and it shall bewritten in eight and six.BOTTOMNo, make it two more; let it be written in eight and eight.

William Shakespeare

Preston, I don't think this creature could ever find its way into your head. Quite apart from anything else, it seems pretty crowded and complicated to me.

Terry Pratchett

The troops and their ladies had first drunk champagne. There were also remains of sandwiches, and I stepped on one, which I think was either cucumber or watercress. I scraped it off on the curbing, left it there for germs. I'll tell you this, though: No germ is going to leave the Solar System eating sissy stuff like that.Plutonium! Now there's the stuff to put hair on a microbe's chest.

Kurt Vonnegut

The only good thing to do with good advice is pass it on; it is never of any use to oneself.

Oscar Wilde

Never doubt my weaseling abilities, Shadowhunter, for they are epic and memorable in their scope.

Cassandra Clare

...inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.

Terry Pratchett