Humor Quotes

Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of everyone else.

William E. Rothschild

He spoke of humor, and thought it must be one of the chief attributes of God. He cited plants and animals that were distinctly humorous in form and in their characteristics. These he declared were God's jokes.

Mark Twain

No headboards were broken.

John Green

Saying 'I notice you're a nerd' is like saying, 'Hey, I notice that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?' In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even 'lame' is kind of lame. Saying 'You're lame' is like saying 'You walk with a limp.' Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he's done all right for himself.

John Green

This was not a fairy-tale castle and there was no such thing as a fairy-tale ending, but sometimes you could threaten to kick the handsome prince in the ham-and-eggs.

Terry Pratchett

Even on the most solemn occasions I got away without wearing socks and hid that lack of civilization in high boots

Albert Einstein

Oh shit, the mummy's after us, let's all walk a little faster

Stephen King

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.

Steven Wright

There is always time for another last minute

Terry Pratchett

This nation is like all the others that have been spewed upon the earth--ready to shout for any cause that will tickle its vanity or fill its pocket. What a hell of a heaven it will be when they get all these hypocrites assembled there!- Letter to J. H. Twichell, 1/29/1901

Mark Twain

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

Steven Wright

I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes...

Steven Wright

Although initially only few in numbers, it seems my gray hairs have launched an effective peer-pressure campaign intended to convert the others.

Steve Maraboli

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm goingto move to New York.

Steven Wright

The play was a great success, but the audience was a total failure

Oscar Wilde

Wit is the epitaph of an emotion.

Friedrich Nietzsche

Romantic literature is in effect imaginative lying.

Oscar Wilde

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

Steven Wright

Some people say my humor focuses too much on stereotypes. It doesn't. It focuses on facts.

Sarah Silverman

Who shall I shoot? You choose. Now, listen very carefully: where's your coffee? You've got coffee, haven't you? C'mon, everyone's got coffee! Spill the beans!

Terry Pratchett