Humor Quotes

JACKYour duty as a gentleman calls you back. ALGERNONMy duty as a gentleman has never interfered with my pleasures in the smallest degree.

Oscar Wilde

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdinilocking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph ofNorman Rockwell beating up a child.

Steven Wright

My neighbor has a circular driveway... He can't get out.

Steven Wright

Is it true that you shouted at Professor Umbridge?Yes.You called her a liar?Yes.You told her He Who Must Not Be Named is back?Yes.Have a biscuit, Potter.

J.K. Rowling

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Steven Wright

Humor can inform and break down stigma, which is a huge issue in the military.

Garry Trudeau

He who has provoked the shaft of wit, cannot complain that he smarts from it.

Samuel Johnson

Probably it is impossible for humor to be ever a revolutionary weapon. Candide can do little more than generate irony.

Lionel Trilling

Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost.

James Thurber

I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs.

Rodney Dangerfield

As a person, he was wonderful. He really was a great person. He was full of life. He had a great sense of humor. Very talented, of course, but very caring to his parents. There was a very endearing quality about Elvis.

Priscilla Presley

A man renowned for repartee will seldom scruple to make free with friendship's finest feeling, will thrust a dagger at your breast, and say he wounded you in jest, by way of balm for healing.

William Cowper

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

Rodney Dangerfield

What is the meaning of human life, or of organic life altogether To answer this question at all implies a religion. Is there any sense then, you ask, in putting it I answer, the man who regards his own life and that of his fellow creatures as meaningless is not merely unfortunate but almost disqualified for life.

Albert Einstein

Bishops move diagonally. That's why they often turn up where the kings don't expect them to be.

Terry Pratchett

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I calledsomeone. They went Aaaaahhhh...

Steven Wright

Is your inner vampire different from your... outer vampire? Deffinitely. He wants me to wear midriff-baring shirts and a fedora. I'm fighting it.

Cassandra Clare

Humanity takes itself too seriously. It is the world's original sin. If the cave-man had known how to laugh, History would have been different.

Oscar Wilde

(About a cookbook...)- What about this one? Maids of Honor?- Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor...but they ends up Tarts.

Terry Pratchett

My girlfriend was no bargain either. She used to braid her armpits.

Rodney Dangerfield