Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age -- as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
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