Funny Quotes

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There are a pair of shoes on the dashboard. they belong to the last guy she hit

Rodney Dangerfield

What early tongue so sweet saluteth me?

William Shakespeare

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

Steven Wright

molesting the vampire while he's too weak to fight back, iz? jace asked. i'm pretty sure that violates at least one of the accords.

Cassandra Clare

I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.

Carl Sandburg

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Steven Wright

There is nothing we can now call our own, for what we call so is the effect of art; crimes are made by decrees of the senate, or by the votes of the people; and as here-to-fore we are burdened by vices, so now we are oppressed by laws.

Blaise Pascal

Everything's about company. A gourmet meal with an a-----e is a horrible meal.

Chris Rock

People who count their chickens before they are hatched act very wisely because chickens run about so absurdly that it's impossible to count them accurately.

Oscar Wilde

The man who regards his own life and that of his fellow creatures as meaningless is not merely unhappy but hardly fit for life.

Albert Einstein

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.

Josh Billings

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

H. L. Mencken

Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.

Stephen Hawking

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Mitch Hedberg

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Jerry Seinfeld

...or because he got eighteen years when he should have gotten more.''Seventeen,' Gus corrected.'I'm assuming you've got some time, you interrupting bastard.

John Green

The trick is always to write in pairs because if at least two people find it funny, you've immediately halved the odds of it not being funny.

Steve Coogan

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

Steven Wright

I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up mySalvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists tryingto make a circle on an EtchaSketch, and I headed for thehighway and began hitching. Within three minutes I got pickedup by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand newcars. I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door.The guy said, I don't have much room up here, why don't you getinto one of the cars out back. So I did. And he was reallyinto picking people up because he picked up 19 more. We all hadour own cars. Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all gotspeeding tickets.

Steven Wright