Funny Quotes

If one has no sense of humor, one is in trouble.

Betty White

Congratulations!Today is your day.You're off to Great Places!You're off and away!

Dr. Seuss

Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.

William Shakespeare

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

Steven Wright

You know me, Esme. I couldn't subtract a fart from a plate of beans.

Terry Pratchett

Wherefore, I beseech you let the dog and the onions and these people of the strange and godless names work out their several salvations from their piteous and wonderful difficulties without help of mine, for indeed their trouble is sufficient as it is, whereas an I tried to help I should but damage their cause the more and yet mayhap not live myself to see the desolation wrought.

Mark Twain

LADY BRACKNELLI had some crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for pleasure now.ALGERNONI hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief.

Oscar Wilde

I prefer to make up my own quotes and attribute them to very smart people, so that I can use them to win arguments

Albert Einstein

Don Pedro - (...)'In time the savage bull doth bear the yoke.'Benedick - The savage bull may, but if ever the sensible Benedick bear it, pluck off the bull's horns and set them in my forehead, and let me be vildly painted; and in such great letters as they writes, 'Here is good horse for hire', let them signify under my sign, 'Here you may see Benedick the married man.

William Shakespeare

Life could be horrible in the wrong trouser of time.

Terry Pratchett

...it seems to me that sometimes-or perhaps I might venture most of the time-occurrences have no cause at all. New stars appear and old ones vanish. Short hats become popular again. Things are as they are and do as they please for absolutely no reason at all.

Galen Beckett

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Mark Twain

The recipe for great art has always been misery and a good bowel movement.

Don Roff

As we all know, blinking lights means science.

Joss Whedon

You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the WORLD! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets...supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.

George Carlin

Nature has no originality--I mean, no large ability in the matter of inventing new things, new ideas, new stage effects. She has a superb and amazing and infinitely varied equipment of old ones, but she never adds to them. She repeats--repeats--repeats--repeats. Examine your memory and your experience; you will find it is true.

Mark Twain

Some people have great ides maybe once or twice in their life and then they discover electricity or fire or outer or something. I mean the kind of brilliant ideas that change the whole world. Some people never have them at all... I get them two or three times a week.

Neil Gaiman

This is precisely why I being a teacher! Young people are so infernally convinced that they are absolutely right about everything. Has it not occurred to you, my poor puffed-up poppinjay, that there might be an excellent reason why the Headmaster of Hogwarts is not confiding every tiny detail of his plans to you? Have you never paused, while feeling hard-done-by, to note that following Dumbledore's orders has never yet led you into harm? No. No, like all young people, you are quite sure that you alone feel and think, you alone recognise danger, you alone are the only one clever enough to realise what the Dark Lord may be planning.

J.K. Rowling

A knavish speech sleeps in a fool's ear.

William Shakespeare

It was Will who broke the silence. Very well. You have me alone in the corridor Yes, yes, said Tessa impatiently, and thousands of women all over England would pay handsomely for the privilege of such an opportunity. Can we put aside the display of your wit for a moment? This is important.

Cassandra Clare