Funny Quotes

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you she is after your barn.

Hesiod

A girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody home. I went over... Nobody was home!

Rodney Dangerfield

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Ambrose Bierce

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.

Mark Twain

The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name toLes.

Steven Wright

Are you planning on following a career in Magical Law, Miss Granger?' asked Scrimgeour. 'No, I'm not,'retorted Hermione. 'I'm hoping to do some good in the world!

J.K. Rowling

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

Robert Benchley

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got thewires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returnedthem to my friend, he said, Hey, these records are all blank.

Steven Wright

When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father...I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through.

Rodney Dangerfield

In a word, we may reasonably hope for the virtual abolition of education when has fully had its way. All incentives to learn and all penalties for not learning will vanish.The few who might want to learn will be prevented; who are they to overtop their fellows? And anyway the teachers--or should I say, nurses?--will be far too busy reassuring the dunces and patting them on the back to waste any time on real teaching. We shall no longer have to plan and toil to spread imperturable conceit and incurable ignorance among men. The little vermin themselves will do it for us.

C.S. Lewis

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Rodney Dangerfield

I write about wounds, the eternal treasons of life. It's not very funny, but it's sincere. My commitment is to sincerity.

Tahar Ben Jelloun

Wikipedia is just an incredible thing. It is fact-encirclingly huge, and it is idiosyncratic, careful, messy, funny, shocking and full of simmering controversies - and it is free, and it is fast.

Nicholson Baker

I have a map of the United States...actual size. It says, Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile. I spent last summer folding it. I also have a fullsize map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.

Steven Wright

25 And the Lord spake unto the Angel that guarded the eastern gate, saying 'Where is the flaming sword that was given unto thee?'26 And the Angel said, 'I had it here only a moment ago, I must have put it down some where, forget my own head next.'27 And the Lord did not ask him again.

Neil Gaiman

. . . you worked for Harry King, they said, because a broken leg was bad for business, and Harry King was all about business.

Terry Pratchett

You can't make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.

Colin Quinn

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

Rodney Dangerfield

Cards and boards, [Johnny] thought. And the dead. That's not dark forces. Making a fuss about cards and heavy metal and going on about Dungeons and Dragons stuff because it's got demon gods in it is like guarding to door when is really coming up through the floorboards. Real dark forces... aren't dark. They're sort of gray, like Mr. Grimm. They take all the color out of life; they take a town like Blackbury and turn it into frightened streets and plastic signs and Bright New Futures and towers where no one wants to live and no one really live. The dead seem more alive than us. And everyone becomes gray and turns into numbers and then, somewhere, someone starts to do arithmetic...

Terry Pratchett

One's real life is often the life that one does not lead.

Oscar Wilde