Funny Quotes

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

Steven Wright

Taxation, gentlemen, is very much like dairy farming. The task is to extract the maximum amount of milk with the minimum amount of moo.

Terry Pratchett

When it comes to war, we focus more on the mainstream coverage of the event, rather than the event itself. People dying is never funny. Protest puppets are always funny.

Mo Rocca

I should fancy, however, that murder is always a mistake. One should never do anything that one cannot talk about after dinner.

Oscar Wilde

There is a lot of folklore about equestrian statues, especially the ones with riders on them. There is said to be a code in the number and placement of the horse's hooves: If one of the horse's hooves is in the air, the rider was wounded in battle; two legs in the air means that the rider was killed in battle; three legs in the air indicates that the rider got lost on the way to the battle; and four legs in the air means that the sculptor was very, very clever. Five legs in the air means that there's probably at least one other horse standing behind the horse you're looking at; and the rider lying on the ground with his horse lying on top of him with all four legs in the air means that the rider was either a very incompetent horseman or owned a very bad-tempered horse.

Terry Pratchett

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

P. J. O'Rourke

He had had much experience of physicians, and said 'the only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not'.

Mark Twain

There are three kinds of lies: lies, d--n lies, and statistics.

Mark Twain

If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

Will Rogers

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Laurence J. Peter

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Mitch Hedberg

I like all Jim Carrey films. They're really funny.

Rupert Grint

It's funny that all these goths paint their faces with such white make-up and that is the actual colour of my skin, I am that pale!

Kelly Osbourne

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

P. J. O'Rourke

I mean, I talk about being Jewish a lot. It's funny because I do think of myself as Jewish ethnically, but I'm not religious at all. I have no religion.

Sarah Silverman

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

Mitch Hedberg

It's not so much what you learn about Mumbai, it's what you learn about yourself, really. It's a funny old hippie thing, but it's true as well. You find out a lot about yourself and your tolerance, and about your inclusiveness.

Danny Boyle

We want to be funny. We want to make people laugh... We'll do whatever it takes.

Colin Mochrie

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

Jimmy Durante

It's interesting - I always thought when I was doing more melodramatic stuff like 'Everwood' that the directors were constantly reeling me in and stopping me from being funny.

Chris Pratt