Humor Quotes

I went to a 711 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, tenfour.

Steven Wright

Rock Hudson wasn't my type. He's a great guy and had a great sense of humor.

Tab Hunter

Humor is imperative, more important than food. You have a choice when someone dies. You can lie down or get back into life. Do something for someone else.

Doris Roberts

One never needs their humor as much a when they argue with a fool.

Chinese Proverb

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He gotpretty good. He could go under a rug.

Steven Wright

You can't do anything to be funny. That's cringeworthy. If your humor comes out of a place of love every time, you don't make the joke bigger than you. The funniest comedians are in touch with their emotional level.

John Krasinski

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Groucho Marx

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Steven Wright

Women have no appreciation of good looks-at least, good women have not.

Oscar Wilde

If you can understand the humor in the drawing part you'll probably get the humor in the audio part.

Eric San

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.

Steven Wright

I was arrested for selling illegalsized paper.

Steven Wright

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, So. What did you think?

Steven Wright

Everywhere's been where it is ever since it was first put there. It's called geography.

Terry Pratchett

What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

Rodney Dangerfield

Bob Hope, like Mark Twain, had a sense of humor that was uniquely American, and like Twain, we'll likely not see another like him.

Dick Van Dyke

Humor that is edgy is never squeaky clean.

Jeff Ross

I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.

Paula Poundstone

An Irishman needs three things : silence, cunnning, and exile.

James Joyce

The ages live in history through their anachronisms.

Oscar Wilde