Browse through our collection of quotes tagged with Funny.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby
Our records, if you have a dark sense of humor, were funny, but our records weren't about comedy. They were about protests, fantasy, confrontation and all that.
Ice Cube
Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks
Rodney Dangerfield
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
With improv, it's a combination of listening and not trying to be funny.
Kristen Wiig
All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.
Blaise Pascal
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's harsh or racist.
Sarah Silverman
Church was doing what he often did when dropped - lying on his back with all four legs in the air, pretending to be dead in order to induce guilt in his owners.
Cassandra Clare
I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks
I mean, I'm married first of all to one of, if not the most wonderful women in the world. She is everything - funny, attractive, hard-working, she has integrity, she loves me to bits.
Seal
One day...as I came home early from work...I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy...Hey buddy...why are you doing that for? He said..Because you came home early.
You're a monster.Thanks. Does this mean I get a raise?No, just a medal. The budget isn't inexhaustable.
Orson Scott Card
Mr. Wickham is blessed with such happy manners as may ensure his making friends - whether he may be equally capable of retaining them is less certain.
Jane Austen
The sun got confused about day
Steven Wright
My Head of House said I lacked certain necessary qualities...like the ability to behave myself.
J.K. Rowling
One knows so well the popular idea of health: the English country gentleman galloping after a fox - the unspeakable in full pursuit of the unbeatable.
Oscar Wilde
The Lord turned water into wine. All I'm suggesting is a trip to the grocery store.
Jodi Picoult
He was certain he was anorectic, because every time he looked in a mirror he saw a fat man. It was the Archchancellor, standing behind him and shouting at him.
Terry Pratchett
Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Mark Twain
